Sex, Even the very word itself brings up a kaleidoscope of many different emotions – love, passion, excitement, longing, and of course, disappointment. Many people feel differently towards the topic of sex depending on the various sexual encounters they’ve had in the past. But even sex can become a thing of the past, given enough time.
Most of us can probably remember the glory days. Sex was hot, frequent, and super spicy – especially when the romance was still new with our partner. Like jackrabbits, you were just going at it whenever you could, wherever you could. Over time, however, the sexy handcuffs remain hidden in the sock drawer, the whips and KY start to gather dust in the closet.
When it comes to marriage, we often expect that the sex will just take care of itself. After all, we’ve never had to worry about it before… so why start now? But the reality is that it needs just as much – if not more – care as every other aspect in a relationship, and is without a doubt, one of the most vital keys in every healthy relationship.
That’s why it’s time to act now. If you feel like your current sex life with the missus just isn’t up to par, or isn’t what it used to be, this article is for you. For those who are still in the beginning stages of their relationship or marriage, please take some time to look at the points below as well. While you might not be having any problems right now, following these will ensure that you will likewise not have any problems in the future.
Our hearts are with you, our fellow comrades.
- Talk about Your Fantasies and Act them out
Without a doubt, one of the most important parts to any relationship – whether we’re talking about sex life or just regular “couple’s life” – is communication. You and your partner should be more than comfortable communicating exactly what it is you want in bed in a non-confrontational way. Let me ask you this question: what are your partner’s darkest, wildest fetishes? You should know.
The next time you’re just lying in bed (doesn’t have to be during sex), talk to each other. Bring it up casually in conversation and ask her if there is anything new she would like to try in the bedroom. Tell her about your thoughts too. You know, the number one fetish women are into is domination, right? Followed by schoolgirl-teacher role-play? Maybe the same is true for your partner – you’ve just never actually asked!
And if you are indeed a little scared that your sex life is slowly dwindling to a halt, don’t be afraid to let them know about that either. Express your distress, and let her know just how much you think it is affecting your relationship, but don’t point fingers. It’s neither your fault nor hers that you aren’t having enough sex anymore.
In a relationship, you and your partner are not only lovers. You’re also best friends. Being able to communicate in a caring way means that you should always choose your words with respect and care in mind, without trying to hurt each other’s feelings.
- Embrace Intimacy – Be Romantic
Intimacy is a lot more than just having sex. It’s all about the way you interact with your partner – the way you touch her outside the bedroom, for example. It’s how you romance her. Your skin is the largest organ in the body, so use that to your advantage. A squeeze on the bum every now and then, a shoulder massage when she comes home late from work – all of these will remind the both of you that romance is still indeed alive in your relationship.
It’s extremely important to actually set aside time for each other to do things together. The next time you have coinciding holidays, why not go on a couple’s retreat? Or if you enjoy cooking, why not take an afternoon to cook together? Or perhaps taking some dance lessons together if you’re more into an active lifestyle? There are so many ways you can be intimate with each other outside the bedroom… and all of this will directly influence how each of you perform when you’re actually in the bedroom.
As your marriage or relationship progresses, it becomes very easy to just get caught up in everyday affairs, to the point where it would seem like you are just sharing your bed with a ‘business’ partner or a roommate, so pay close attention that you continually keep the mood alive.
- Be Adventurous and Willing to Try New Things
By far one of the biggest stumbling blocks in every relationship is the feeling of routineness. After so many years of being with each other, you get the point where you and your partner already pretty much know each other’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Sex becomes something that happens on a specific night of the week, and when it does happen, it always happens the same way.
Is your sex routine a little something like this?
Kissing – Grabbing boobs – Fingering – Missionary – Doggy style
If it is – paying attention not to what’s actually written above, but to the fact that you can almost accurately put your sexual encounters into a flowchart template – then perhaps it’s time for change.
Be open to different ways of expressing yourself sexually. As it was in point one, where you would communicate all your wants and expectations in the bedroom, if your partner were to suggest something new for the both of you to try in the bedroom, even if the idea isn’t something you like, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. You’ll never know until you try!
Being adventurous doesn’t even have to be as grandiose as the word itself. It can be as simple as mixing it up on the living room floor or in the shower. Maybe on the kitchen counter. Or perhaps, leave the kids with a babysitter and take a trip to a dirty little motel down the highway. Even the tiniest of efforts is sure to produce a result. Of course, you can go as big as you want, but always keep communicating, and never force each other into something they are completely against. Above all else, make sure both you and your partner are comfortable with these acts.
- Be Spontaneous! Go the Extra Mile!
When was the last time you’ve actually surprised your partner? Don’t you ever get the urge to just grab her while she’s getting dressed for work or while she’s still in the shower and have a short quickie to start the day? If you do have these urges, what have you done to satisfy them?
Nothing is better at keeping your sex life alive than being spontaneous. If your partner works long nights, why not set the mood for when she gets back home? Or if you think she’ll be too tired by then, how about cooking her a nice breakfast, while playing some light instrumental music in the background. Make waking up an absolute joy for her.
If the both of you have been so busy in the past few months that you feel like you’ve been stuck to just going to work and coming home to your apartment every single day, why not surprise her with a trip to the beach or to the great outdoors the next you have coinciding holidays?
If you’ve gotten to this point in your relationship, you’ve probably noticed that everything has slowed down a little bit. A great exercise is trying to imagine and remember the things you used to do for each other in the first few months of your relationship – both in the bedroom and outside. Try to bring those times back. She will more than appreciate even just the very effort you’re making… and that definitely gives you points in the bedroom.
- Respect Each Other’s Boundaries
While it might seem like there isn’t much that you shouldn’t know about each other at this point in your relationship, you should still try to understand that your partner might be carrying some emotional baggage – even after years of being together. There are just some lines that you aren’t going to be able to cross, and there’s no use trying to force her into something that she doesn’t want to do. If you do, she will only resent you.
If you find out that she’s had bad experiences with BDSM in the past, for example, while you can try to approach the subject and see if she’s willing to give it a shot with you, in the off-chance that she does say no, respect her decision.
Likewise, if you’re trying to get her to try some new sex positions or if you’re trying to get her to participate in one of your fetishes, don’t rush into it. Try not to get her to the point where she’s uncomfortable. A great way to do this is to slowly ease it in.
Try this: Just casually bring it up in conversation once or twice to see what her thoughts are on something and to plant the seed in her head. Then don’t talk about it for at least a week. Bring it up again, and see if that’s something she would be interested it. If you would like to start blindfolding each other, for example, try blindfolding her out of sex first, and gauge her reaction. Then if she’s okay with it, suggest using it during sex, but go slowly. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. Don’t force it on her.
The thing to remember is that your partner is a person that has feelings too, and can get uncomfortable. Being together for a very long time, we sort of just assume that whatever we say, our partner will automatically be okay with. If she’s already agreed to doing something with you, the least you can do is to try and make her as comfortable doing it as possible. If things go a little haywire, take two steps back, and then after things have cooled down, reassess the situation, and if you can, try again.